Dads: Do you have to be at your baby's birth?

SOURCE: http://www.babycentre.co.uk By Joanna Moorhead It's up to you Four decades ago it was unusual for a father to be there when his child was born. These days, it's more unusual if he isn't there. For many couples, being together is what feels right. "I can't possibly imagine I could have been anywhere else when Poppy was born," says Steve, a father of two from Devon. "It was an amazing privilege, something you'd never forget, something you feel you wouldn't have missed for anything." But not everyone feels the same. Stella, who's 38 and pregnant with her third child, knows her partner Andy, 41, isn't particularly keen on attending another birth, and has decided to ask her sister to be there. This takes the pressure off Andy so he can decide on the day whether or not to attend. "I was at the births of my son and daughter, but to be honest I felt a bit of a spare part," says Andy. "I didn't feel it was any easier for Stella that I was around and in some ways I think it was harder, especially afterwards when she was being stitched - she felt so exposed and wasn't happy with me being there. These days there's this feeling that you're not a decent bloke if you're not at the delivery but that doesn't seem fair - it's an individual thing and it doesn't suit every couple." Talk about what you want It's important to talk together as a couple about your expectations of the birth and about what a father's role is at the big event. If you feel anxious that too much is being expected of you, why not talk about having a second birth partner - a friend or family member, perhaps, or a paid doula - to be there too. In fact just having the fallback of another birth partner is hugely helpful for some men. "I was worried that I'd faint or not be any help and that I'd have let Lucy down," says Sean, father of four-week-old Ella. "Having Lucy's sister there meant I didn't feel all the supporting was down to me. I felt I could be emotional and take a bit of a back seat for a while without feeling I'd failed, because Emma was still there with Lucy." What are the good things about being at the birth? "It was just such a wonderful moment when Sammy was born," says Colin. "We'd waited a long time for a baby and there's just nothing in my life that will compare with seeing my son for the first time exactly at the moment when he came into the world." Even when birth doesn't go to plan, few dads regret being there. Philip, 37, father of seven-month-old Ben, was shocked when the delivery room suddenly filled with medical staff and he was told he'd have to put on a surgical gown because it was going to be an assisted - and maybe even a caesarean - birth. "In the end Ben was born using rotational forceps -- a procedure which really took its toll on Karen," he says. "It wasn't easy being there for me - I felt I wanted to share Karen's physical pain, which of course I couldn't - but despite the trauma it was a magical experience. Also, because of what she'd been through Karen wasn't able to hold Ben at first so me being there meant he could be cuddled by one of his parents as soon as he was born - that's something I'll always feel glad I could do." For Steve, being at Poppy's birth brought home what an extraordinary physical feat birth is - and how resilient human beings are. "There was screaming and pain and blood, but it wasn't some horrible emergency," he says. "It was all leading towards this wonderful birth. It made me so aware of how strong we all are: of how strong a woman is, to push a baby out, and of how strong a baby is, to survive being squeezed through the birth canal...amazing." What are the difficult things? Nina Smith, an antenatal teacher with the National Childbirth Trust who's studied the role of men in the delivery room, says the hardest challenge is seeing your partner in pain and not being able to do anything about it. "Of course there are things you can try, and often it is small things that make a difference," she says. "But it takes confidence to try them, and that isn't easy - especially for the first-time father." Lots of dads say what they find tough in the early stages is knowing exactly what they can do to help. "I ended up feeling a bit of a spare part," says Andy. "Stella was obviously in pain and could do with some help, but I just didn't know what I could do to be of use. The midwife had some ideas but nothing seemed to be working - I felt lame, really." One of the most difficult things for dads to deal with is when events take an unexpected turn: sometimes everything seems to change very quickly, with doctors and other medical people pouring into the room and scary possibilities being discussed. "We'd been to antenatal classes and I knew I was supposed to keep my cool and ask all sorts of questions about what was being done and why," says Ed, father of eight-month-old Cameron. "But when the lights all went on and the doctor arrived and started saying we had to get into the theatre quick, my legs turned to jelly and I just prayed both Caroline and our baby was going to get through this alive." Many dads describe hair-raising scenarios in which they feared for the lives of their partner and unborn baby. Andrew, dad to four-week-old Oliver, explains how Tanya's longed-for low-tech delivery at a birth centre took a dramatic turn when her cervix failed to dilate fully. "Everything was fine for a few hours, with the contractions building up and Tanya coping well, and I thought we were going to sail through," he says. "But when things didn't move on enough the midwife said we'd have to transfer to the general hospital 15 miles away. "It was really scary: I wasn't allowed in the ambulance so I had to go in the car on my own. When we got to some road works the ambulance siren started up and the blue lights were flashing and they pulled on ahead, leaving me in the traffic jam. I was thinking the worst, wondering whether they'd both still be alive by the time I got to the hospital..." What can I do to prepare to be at our baby's birth? Preparation is crucial. It won't stop the unexpected, and it won't mean you breeze through whatever happens. But it will mean you are more aware of the possibilities involved in a labour and birth, and it could give you the confidence to try to help your partner cope with contractions. "To be honest I felt a bit daft practising rubbing Cathy's back during our antenatal course," says Paul, father of 14-month-old Freddie. "But strange as it was at the time, it did give me some ideas of things to try during the labour. Part of it is just daring to do something - you're so afraid of making things worse that the easy option is to do nothing and leave the midwife to suggest things, but the antenatal course did give me ideas about things I could suggest too - it gave me a role." If at all possible, join your partner in an antenatal course run by your health trust or by the National Childbirth Trust or by an active birth teacher. Some courses are for couples, others are for women but have a couples class -- do make sure you attend this. And don't keep putting off reading about labour and what to expect - it really does make a difference if you understand what happens during each stage of labour by the time you get to the delivery room. New dads' tips - what you need to know "Tanya was very keen on the birth centre, and I'm not saying it wasn't a good idea - but I wish I'd thought more about its limitations, and had some idea of what would happen if we needed to transfer to the general hospital. I'd say find out all you can about every scenario it's possible to envisage." - Andrew "Emily had had a previous caesarean and the hospital doctor didn't agree she should have a home birth. But it was what Emily wanted, and we did our research and found out the risks were negligible. In the end the midwives supported us and we got the delivery we wanted. I'd say find out what you need to know, and surround yourselves with supportive people. And do consider hiring a doula: we did, and it was like employing an angel!" -- Steve "The staff were excellent but there was a ruthless efficiency about it all for them, which was a bit of a shock for me alongside the emotion I was feeling. To anyone else about to become a father, I'd simply say: expect the unexpected." -- Philip "The key message is: be flexible. Be willing to try something, but be ready to accept if it's not what's needed, and don't mind if your partner's reaction is to push you away." -- Nina Smith Written by Joanna Moorhead Joanna Moorhead is a journalist and author specialising in birth and parenting. She has four daughters, the youngest of whom was born in 2002. She is a regular contributor to the Guardian newspaper and regularly writes for a number of parenting magazines.